I am not in a bad situation its just not quite what I thought I wanted. I am at the point of no return because I feel like Im wasting my time.. He says, i ask you to be with me as now. I believe he does truly love me its just that love isnt a reason to get married for him. Consider whether youd want this person to be one of your best friends if you had no romantic interest. Well Im not going there.. Ive been with this guy for seven years, he asked me to marry him almost 5 years ago and still no date set. My teens love him because he has a big heart . The ability to trust one another is the foundation of any successful relationship. I know what you are saying but we have too much respect for each other than playing games and not responding to each others text and taking off for hours and not know where each other is when you live with someone you cant do that to each other and not expect any problems ..however I do need to try to quit asking him continuously about marriage and quit acting upset about it all the time this I can try to work onI just cant do something to him like ignoring him when I dont want him to do it to me . Best advice? newwindow.focus() I will lose everything, so all I can do now is stop financially and emotionally investing in the home we live in, outside of paying basic rent towards the mortgage.. Well when i started asking him about dates is when the problem started he said he dont know so i suggested we both think of dates , and since we been together so long i think the sooner the better . Were both 41. I love him very much and have been very dependent on our relationship for many years that I have no identity without him nor do I know how to be alone or take care of myself. Was quite surprised by this! He was also scared that if we just lived together, I would be unhappy and in 5 or 10 years time I would leave him brokenhearted his description! } Know what you can compromise on, and what you cant. Its total bullshit..when are they gonna be forced to have to settle for us..to have to give up their dreams to make sure we stay with them I have been with mine for 12 years..we have 2 beautiful daughters together. He had been trapped in the well for three hours. I never deserved this. I hiked by the light of the moon and slept on dramatic ridgelines. He said that i am a great person and he wants to be the best boyfriend for me and he said that we can make a good future. This Common Habit Is Hazardous to Your Marriage, Why So Many Young Men Are Single and Sexless, The Truth About On-Again, Off-Again Couples, 6 Conversation Habits That Lead to More Meaningful Connection, How to Talk About Mistakes in a Relationship, 4 Potent Ways to Deepen Love and Intimacy. He has told me he wants me to be his wife and he has no doubts about our relationship but he cannot drum the courage to do it because of his shyness. All good stuff, but all stuff that I think could wait. I tried to explain to my guy that my not wanting to get married is not rejecting him; its rejecting institution. An assumption that theres some kind of massive asymmetry in genders initiating breakups.. there isnt; both initiate breakups. } else { What then?? He said we could talk about it again later. Ignore. 2023 Cond Nast. What should I do? They wanted marriage but I didnt. I just dont want to wake up in twenty years and think I didnt do the things I wanted to because of this. any advise please, coz im totally wondering why she did not give me an answer. Wow, Id have dropped you the moment you tried that if I was him. First of all, you are both obliged to immediately repent from this illegal relationship; for more benefit, please refer to Fataawa 81356 and 86527. Long story short, we both have been married before and with the WRONG people! Should You Marry Him? Ten Steps to Clarity | Psychology Today Should I always feel awful. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. This file is auto-generated */ I fail to see the logic behind staying with someone who doesnt want to marry you if you want to marry. I wouldnt trade my life for that life for anything. | I am hurt that he doesnt want to marry me. Run for the hills or sand dunes..why bother with a guy who wont stand up for himself and marry who he wants instead of letting someone else choose for him? Hes a great guy but has left me out and doesnt communicate when hes with his family. I feel exactly the same. IS this an insecurity? }); It sounds like such a small thing (and if it is then why doesnt he just do it??) I have been through a failed marriage. However he never wants to get married or have kids. It hurts so much. Ive stayed with his family as hes stayed with mine. Why cant he see this??? One good thing is I just got a nice raise at work so I can afford to keep going by myself. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. We dont have all the time in the world. It ticks all the boxes you mentioned without the legal and financial implication that a marriage has? As I have grown more aware of his love, and certain of his commitment to me in all other ways, it has become less of an issue. If you ever need someone to talk to or process feelings with, feel free to contact me. Hopefully he changes his mind. I couldnt remember how to get back to this site. ( he is very strong about birth control, wont use nothing ) so to me thats OLD FASHIONED treated as the wife .. Am 40 this year and he is 33 so its not as if we are too young . All of our fights revolve around me pestering him about marriage and I get the if you didnt ask me everyday then I might be interested talk. We never fought as he is very gentle. i mean subsconssiously we must want to be together bcos why else .. Have we allowed 3 kids . Ive never been married. Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. Good luck with everything. How old are you? $('.back').click(function() { You are both parents. I just dont know what to do. Hes the best boyfriend in the world. I keep wondering if he will ever care how much being married means to mean and surprise me on Valentines day.. Im even like that when we go on vacation like Vegas or a cruise.. Im always disappointed after that he doesnt and he thinks Im depressed because vacation is ending .. yes Valentines Day is really depressing for me as well, Well at least we made it through another depressing Valentines Day, join the club I do it every occasion xmas birthday nd valentines all because he told me someday he would want to but not sure when, Wow, in a way its helpful to see Im not the only one struggling with this. } If the relationship has problems, the act of signing and sealing the deal is counterproductive and the death knell for a lot of relationships. You have to pull away when they are not giving you what you need. It wasnt, it was a bracelet. i just hope you would help me :( That hurt. You become too excited about moving to the next step, even if you are just starting to know each other. He has talked about it and weve looked at rings, i feel like shit, i dont know what to do, we have a son together & im afraid if we never get married that my son will one day ask why havent we got married, & if i respond with because your dad didnt want to , it will be a bad example , because love & family is the best thing in life, but i also dont want to get married if he doesnt mean it, my dreams are crushed, i dont know if i should continue this realtionship, if all i ever wanted was to be a wife, & i dont want to stay just because i have a son, i love him, Im still inlove with him since day 1, but things arent the same anymore & since he said this & it literally embarrassed me, because he said it infront of people, i feel like i cant do this anymore. So at the moment I have moved my stuff, returned keys trying to be philosophical and missing him! Im on the same boat. These probably feel like harsh words. Its not exactly what I wanted but life is too short to be unhappy, and I am going to enjoy what I have and not worry (well, try not to) about what I havent got because the love thing is the most important. So less than a month ago I found out my bf for 8 years was cheating on me. But dont invite him. Apparently he wants our life to be ready financially and have the security of a house before we get married and have another child (which I respect apparently). I didn't hesitate for a second and have never had a doubt about our relationship. In what they say is "the first scientific study to test whether doubts about getting married are more likely to lead to an unhappy marriage and divorce," researchers at UCLA report that "newlywed wives who had doubts about getting married before their wedding were two-and-a-half times more likely to divorce four years later than wives without these doubts.". I love him so much. I do want to get married, I do want kids, and even though these things still exist in that mysterious future place (and even though Im only 28), I sometimes worry about what will happen when the future becomes my present. But he still wants to marry me,Im so scared and worried about it even tho its five years away. It is real I tell him! His ex wife cheated on him with many guys, got a restraing order against him and threw him on the street. Its kind of easier perhaps if you are older and have already been down the marriage route as we know it doesnt always end happily ever after. Actually the laws are not working in anyones favor. Be as clear and objective when evaluating a prospective partner as you would if you were hiring a candidate for an important job or a nanny for a child. So no, I walked out. Pay attention to how you feel when youre with him. I say move on too. He blames me for his illness. 12. Same amount of time together too. Its hard to be old fashioned as a woman when man arent old fashioned I refuse to live with my mother until some man rides up on a white horse and takes me to his castle. Help me. (a.addEventListener("DOMContentLoaded",n,!1),e.addEventListener("load",n,!1)):(e.attachEvent("onload",n),a.attachEvent("onreadystatechange",function(){"complete"===a.readyState&&t.readyCallback()})),(n=t.source||{}).concatemoji?c(n.concatemoji):n.wpemoji&&n.twemoji&&(c(n.twemoji),c(n.wpemoji)))}(window,document,window._wpemojiSettings); unfortunately i liked a man who doesnt want to get married. My partner (beginning to despise that eorf as husband would be nicer) and I have both been married before. However aslo never made a mistake of telling him i never wanted to get married. But, it is the person who is talking about this commitment is usually the one who throws in the towel just because the other person doesnt want to get married! Sometimes it is, but mostly it has become less of an issue. Marriage isnt what it used to be. Ive been quite blunt at not wanting to get married from 30s onwards (Im not playing no hurry card etc.). 08.20.2018 By Nina Wheeler One thing I've always been certain of is that I want to have a family. I have been with this guy for 7 years and we have 2 kids, he was so eager to marry me when we are in our early stages of the relationship, and now he just doesnt want to anymore, he keeps telling me its only a paper blah blah. Marriage is not the end all..especially if you dont plan on having children. CONGRATULATIONS!! I made a promise to myself when we had our son I would never want to break up his mum & dad as I always want him to feel secure and be able to grow up with both his parents in the same house. abuse etc. I mean these are people who never me our kid, has never said a happy birthday, dont know where we live, like they are not in our lives at all the last four years. Please know you are not alone. Unfortunately, we sometimes come across people who do not deserve to be in our lives. width: 1em !important; We own a house together (thirty year mortgage is a pretty big commitment to me) and my partner has always said he wants children desperately. He can wait till next years tax return. At this point, Id rather revel in the multitude of possibilities than sign off on just one of them. Wow I cannot believe how many people seem to be in the same awful boat as me. So now you are in a different relationship and the tables are turned. We have a great relationship and never had a fight. (but because we arent married I opted not to be on the paperwork. Places to Celebrate 12 Stately Libraries in the U.S. Where You Can Get Married Start the next chapter of your love story by saying "I do" at these beautiful. }(document, "script", "twitter-wjs"); Yes, some would add, and so are animals, yet lacking among lower species is the commitment of a marriage that embraces the pledge of fidelity. Can I be happy with someone who never wants to me marry me..the truth is I dont know. Everyone loves each other and its like we are meant to be united. Besides I would rather be married before having a kid. Bf hesitant to get married because I was married in the past sometimes I feel like if hes not going to give me the commitment I feel like I want and I deserve I should just leave but then I cant picture my life without him and his kids. } Its like it has to be his way or no way at all plus I have medical condition that can lead to infertility and hes still just about himself and his needs and wants. This is when our relationship went down the drain. He says he doesnt believe in it and a piece of paper changes nothing. . It is making me sad and its becoming a problem. But I would never sacrifice our relationship for this irrational want. I wish you every happiness xx, so I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years we live together in the house that him and his ex wife bought. What man wouldnt marry along with how much I do for him and his kids? A friend got divorced over 10 years ago. I just found out from someone that overheard my fiance/girlfriend on her phone talking about us that she has no plan to marry him (me) but would never say that to me Our relationship will reach its 4 year mark in March. I have no debt but he has like $60,000 of debt because he didnt want to leave his ex with bills. Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a licensed clinical psychologist and a professor at Yeshiva Universitys clinical psychology doctoral program. He just doesnt want to get married.. Period. . Perhaps what Im most unsure of is whether Im truly living life to the fullest and basking in my freedom, as is my intention, or if Im running from commitment and hiding behind fear. Ultimately, a fear of commitment can lead to the demise of a relationship. Hello everyone, We got along great as she was a single mom to a baby and I had a five year old at the time. I have no doubt hes the love of my life, but its almost insulting, and very confusing. Are we all destined to remain unhappy??? ", Lavner said his study didn't distinguish between more moderate, "Wow, am I really ready for this?" I love this man but I am unsure of our future at this point. Well, I had to endure it for over 5 years. Its probably the most practical advice on this entire page. Jun 16, 2013. Last week him and our daughters asked me to marry them it was the sweetest proposal ever Ive be been super ecstatic for the past week.. now I am getting the feeling that its just being done because of our girls, that if we didnt have them there would be no engagement or wedding. He just doesnt want to get married. Listening well involves an effort to attend to, understand, and validate others. Theres alot of romantic loving men out there that day dream about marriage just as much as us women do. I bought the dream house etc. Recent Pew research indicates that over 60% of young men are currently single. Have you discussed why you want/dont want to get married? I have lived with him over 4 years but I am seriously considering buying a house for myself. Things change, you know. Him and my mil had never married and it left her in a tight situation legally. $('.submenu1').show(); So, more than half of all people report not ever feeling hesitant or doubtful (not even when they started fighting over seating arrangements?!). So in the end its best not to invest financially at all and stay like bf and gf but each at own place etc. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me that he is not sure if he wants to get married. None of you women get it. So Im wondering: Can you legitimately be in love with a present context, even if you know it may not be what you want forever? In my eyes i still expect HIM to pay the bill at cafe .Lol and see me right , get me what i need. But now its heartbreaking and humiliating. Its like being given ultimatum, people hate this and if they give in, thats exactly what they do. Still no maridge didnt bother me as i was 22 and him 23. Im very big heartedi blew it up today( i btl my stuff in) i thought for sure hed b comingover tonite mad. $('.submenu4').show(); He was vocal on our very first dates that he want ti be married to me. Please know that it may help to reach out to a therapist or counselor. Don't . Of one of you are not giving the other the intimacy one wants or needs there is no way getting married is going to help this relationshipI can say one thing and that is there is no way I would be paying a house or cars off that I wouldnt be able to call mine in an event of a death or split in a divorceif you want to help out with bills by giving him a couple hundred or so thats fine but dont be paying anything else thats not your obligation.. we fight about sex because he said that is the only way that he feels loved and when he doesnt get it every day that he wants it he kind of turns into a bratty child. Why Kim Kardashian Won't Talk to Her Kids About Kanye West Struggles I have gone through breast cancer and treatment. Shouldnt it be different if someones truly in love with you. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. I am 38 and he 39. Hes after convention. He has never had to wash a dish or even haul a load of laundry since we got a place together or since I bought a house. EIN #84-0574141. That is a step in a good direction. Its too risky. finally on our 9th anniversary I had had enuf.. Shelly, I too have come to arrive at the same decision as yourselfwhereas the marriage issue was once a deal-breaker, the loss was too much and once I felt assured that the issue was not about me, but rather the marriage itself (both of us twice married, he lost a lot financially in both, and feels that every time he finds happiness it goes wrong and doesnt want things to go wrong with me!). He loves me and takes care of me, he is a very good man and I love him dearly. Go for it!! Have you ever talked about what you want from the relationship? This will keep you,(and maybe the other person), from wasting years of your life. Hes not like that at his home and w/his kidshis mom also lives w/him too. Hes changed completely in that length of time, he never even says I love you anymore. 13 undeniable signs he loves you but is scared to fall for you Because if you love him enough to want to marry him, you can prove and show it by being with him without getting married. Have you ever discussed marriage? $('.submenu').hide(); $('.menu4').click(function() { $('.headMenuLinksMob').toggle(); The wife, who has never worked a day in her life got the house, a business my friend built and a money settlement. I know he does by his actions and his words. For me at 60 its being by myself rather. Hi Shelly! Then I hear about how so many marriages end in divorce and I wonder if maybe hes rite. I am getting sick of it really. We get along very well. nothing that we have is in my name not the house not the trailer that I paid off my car or his truck because my credit sucks because I was a single mom and didnt have my s*** together. Major record for us. Your situation is very clear and if thats what you think you deserve you should say what you feel. I am divorced twice (I am 54), my ex wife was a serial cheater and Ive been divorced for only 7 months. Thank you, {{form.email}}, for signing up. He does (basically) take care of us financially & I dont take that lightly. It is hard not to think like that. I liked being married, but I was just married to the wrong person for 16 years. Im a hardworking woman, descent, respectful, loving, caring. He doesnt communicate well he shuts down and ignores me until he feels comfortable talking and thats a big problem for me. You might assume you know your partners reason for avoiding marriage, but you dont really know until you ask. 1. We struggle a bit but are okay $ wise. I dont think its good to get seriously involved with anyone after this age as its too risky. I have prayed but no change so is it really time for me to change? free,Thus inviting string-along.A lot of happy marriages srarted at the Courthouse or a ministers office ceremony. I gave him a year to grow up n make a decision or I would make it for us on our 10th anniversary. I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 ..we have both been married before though..when I ask him why he dont want to get married again he says I dont know why he has told me its not me he just never wants to do it again..it makes me upset to know that he would let me walk away than marry me.. *we were both married before to different people not to each other. that as a friend he used to share everything with me about meeting his friends where he goes what he does for a day. I just want the commitment and promise, but pathetically the ring too. "Apparently not!" background: none !important; we only fight about sex and marriage. Schemas formed in childhood go hand in hand with how consistently a child has their most basic needs met. We have everything pretty much joint now, so the only thing left to complete us is marriage. what i feel is as i have got best guy of what i deserve i dont want to leave him so easily. Its like why buy the cow if they can get the milk for free. Its like we were in the honeymoon phase again(on a long distance relationship though) now i am confused because when i asked him about marriage he told me that he loves me and he wants to be with me although he is not rushing into marriage because he wants to spend several years with his partner before finally settling down. BUT marriage also does have its benefits But it depends on how old fashioned u both r . I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. It seems he wanted to absorb all your things without giving anything back. Marriage is the ultimate commitmenta loud shout to the world that you make togethera declaration that is heard on many levels. Please do not compromise on what YOU want! googletag.pubads().enableSingleRequest(); I feel like I love him but I dont want to deal with this issue for the rest of my life because he can not take a stance for me but hell do it for them. By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org'sTerms and Conditions of Use. So last night we were getting along really good so I decided to ask him if he loves me he said its to soon to tell you right now we are suppose to giving it a month or 2 ..I am definitely feeling frustated right now. display: inline !important; I have two kids with my 5 years boyfriend. Know when your hopes are well-founded and how to turn your deep desires into results. So stop waiting and stop negotiating in your head for less and less. I would not be comfortable if things I earned during my life went to my partner first then to my kids second. Sign Two: Hint Overload Most men aren't dumb, and they understand when you drop hints about wanting to get married. We fought a few times and marriage topic came up, I wanted to get married for a long time now, we talked about it, we talked about having kids together but he never pop the question. No lobola, no marridge. Life is too short to waste, and good men and good relationships are hard to come by. Adult relationships should include the ability to mutually address frustrations, but defensive personalities see threats where there are none.
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